Loss

We were shopping at a bead store today when Marissa informed the sales clerk that we lost Jaime. The twist on her telling someone this time is that she was very specific that I (me) had lost my daughter. Marissa very noticably minimized her loss of Jaime, her sister. After she shared about my loss, she motioned that she wanted to whisper something in my ear. When I leaned close to listen to what she wanted she share, she told me that her loss was not as important as mine.

Wow.

The things people carry around inside can be so big and no one ever knows the magnitude of pain or guilt or whatever unless we choose to share it. I'm so glad Marissa did. So very glad. I never had a clue she felt that way.

I told her right there in that store that loss is loss. Grief and pain are still grief and pain. It doesn't matter who or what we lose. The fact that Jaime was my daughter doesn't mean that my pain was worse or more significant than the loss of her special sister.

When we got into the car after leaving the shop, we talked some more. I just didn't want to let the conversation drop. I had to make sure she understood that her feelings, fears, dreams, whatever...are so important and special to me. I reminded her again that she can share anything with her Daddy and me and that whatever it is won't make us love her any less. Her feelings are never too scary or big or bad or anything to share. We talked about how feelings can get bigger than they should be or scarier or whatever sometimes until we release and share them. Then the scariness or importance can be put into place or erased or whatever.

I treasure the moments we can really talk and share and they really make me miss the days Jaime and I used to do the same thing.

I love my kids. Brandon and Marissa...keep talking to me anytime. I want to hear and share. I want to love you. I want you to feel loved and important and special, because you are...and what you feel matters so much to me.